June 16th, 2010

25-Year Friends

An unforgettable post by Mark Pilgrim about loss, and what it means to really be friends with someone:

A 25-year friend is not just “a friend for 25 years.” It’s not the passage of time that matters as much as the “of course”-ness of it all. Of course I want to hear about your breakup. Of course you can come over anytime. Of course I’ll help you move. Of course you’ll be my best man, and I yours. Of course we’ll be each other’s godfathers. Of course you’ll “lend” me some money when I hit hard times. 25 years of “of course.”

Letter III in Seneca’s Letters from a Stoic, a book I’ve been talking about a lot, is about that very thing:

But if you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship.

Also:

Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself.

How many people do you really have like this in your life that aren’t related to you by blood? One? Two? Think about how many friends you have with whom you don’t actually have an According-to-Hoyle friendship, then, perhaps, reconsider how you use that word.⌘